If you’re over the age of 18, and haven’t lived away from your friends and family for more than a year- there’s a good chance you haven’t really grown up yet.

I don’t say this just to just grab your attention. I mean it, and I will explain why. But let me first define what a ‘grown up’ is.

‘Growing up’ means a lot of things. It means having a sense of responsibility and accountability over yourself and people in your life. It means being financially independent, socially savvy- and many more things.

However- like many things- there are levels to this.

In your early 20s, society treats you as a grown up if:

1. You have a good job.
2. Aren’t completely off-putting in social settings.

In your late 20s or early 30s, add things like “has a steady partner/spouse”, “has a nice house and kids” and things keep adding on from there. The essentials are pretty basic though and revolve around:

1. Food
2. Shelter
3. Family & love
4. Social standing

Thing is- you can achieve all this and still not be grown up completely. In fact, if you look closely, there are plenty of 60 year old children roaming on this earth.

This is because we don’t pay attention to our higher order needs for self-actualization, i.e: the need for being a unique individual and discovering that inner potential of ours.

This comes with the territory of having breathing space in your life. Away from having to ‘perform’ according to the expectations of your parents, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse and society.

At least in those formative years of your 20s- I believe this is essential.

Why don’t all people recognize this? I believe this is because of not wanting discomfort- which is an evolutionary drive we all fight.

Comfort drags us back to status quo. Comfort is why you’d prefer to stay at home with your parents rather than slum it out in a shared flat with a (potentially) shitty roomate.

This is a recurring theme in Asian cultures that I see so often. Kids have their entire lives subsidized by parents, who in turn expect their children to grow up, live with them and support them/take care of them as they grow old.

Nothing wrong with taking care of your parents as they grow old- however there has to be a balance. We skew towards the other side too much.

Take care of your parents when they cannot do so for themselves. Until then- you deserve to live your life. You deserve to explore yourself and become a human being. If you have always been around a comfortable ecosystem and never faced real adversity- chances are you haven’t really found out what you’re made of.

It is only when you move away into discomfort do you realise The Most Important Thing you can learn in your 20s:

You, alone are responsible for your life.

Not your parents. Not your spouse. Not your kids. Not your dog.

Unhappy at your job? It’s all on you. Unhappy with your health? Your job to go to the gym and fix it. Life dealt you a harsh blow? Too bad- learn to deal with it and accept these things happen.

Bottom line- it’s all on you.

We all intellectually understand this. Thing is- it doesn’t sink in until shit hits the ceiling fan, splatters all over the room, and you know – only you can clean it up.

For me, this realisation has come in different intensities across the various seasons of my life.

The first time I realised this was when I quit consulting to go work at a startup. I knew there was a significant chance I would leave the startup without making meaningful money or without the startup succeeding- but I decided I’d rather die on my own sword than listen to everyone who told me I was making the wrong decision.

4 years later- even though financially- the outcome wasn’t a slam dunk- I don’t regret my decision. I owe everything I learnt professionally to that job. I know that in the 20 year horizon- it will make my career, even though in the short term 5 year horizon, it seems like a rogue choice.

Now, for the past 4 months, I’ve been relentlessly pounding the pavement in the London Tech market to get the sales role I want. It’s a difficult transition to make as an experienced hire, moving from MedTech to SAAS roles, in the middle of a recession.

This is playing life on HARD mode- don’t get it twisted, and I’ve had my fair share of anxiety about it. The only thing that has saved me is reminding myself that only I can improve my lot. No one else is coming to help me. So I can either despair about my situation or I can apply for another job.

I can either feel sorry for myself or I can send 5 DMs to employees of that startup that seems interesting, befriend them and seek a referral.

I can think or I can execute.

I choose to focus on what I can control- actions. And use anxiety as fuel. It is there for a reason. To tell me I need to get my act together. So I am.

“It’s your road, and yours alone.
others may walk it with you,
but no one can walk it for you.”

Rumi

And a funny thing happens- once I start executing, setting up meetings, getting interviews… I start treating myself with much more respect. I start having more belief in myself. Because I see myself slowly but surely, clawing my way out of the hole I am currently in (metaphorically).

This creates massive self-respect- and has been a consistent theme. Whenever I’ve done really hard things, I’ve had the feeling- I can do anything I set my mind to. I can bend the universe to my will. It goes away when you don’t achieve things – so it’s really important, I’ve realised, to continue doing things that make your inner self go- wow, that’s impressive.

In a sense, now that I have done it enough times in my life over various stages, I recognize that feeling and nowadays, have decided that’s really all I care about.

To make myself proud of what I am doing. Everyone else is secondary.

Having boundaries is the main outcomes of growing up

With this realisation comes healthy boundaries. Because I care the most about myself- not what others think- it becomes easy to make decisions and take actions that are good for me.

This is not to say one is being selfish. Rather- one is being mindful that they bring their best selves to others by taking care of themselves first before attempting to be of service to others.

This is truly, what being your own best friend means.

None of this is new. You’ve probably read variations of this many times.

But the thing is- all these realisations have only been internalised for me after a lot of self-reflection and time spent alone. I did the self-reflection because I needed to find ways to rely on myself and not others when going through a difficult time. If I were still back in my ecosystem, I would’ve found ways to talk to seek comfort from my friends, family and not actually think for myself and then act.

Here are some of the boundaries I’ve started to practise recently:

1. 4.30-8 am is my time. I have my own morning routine and don’t speak to anyone. My phone is away and I don’t check whatsapp or email.
2. I don’t do evening outings more than 1x/wk. On the whole, I like sleeping by 9 pm, and waking early more than I like going to the pub with a friend.
3. I don’t complain and I don’t encourage conversations around ‘complaining’. If someone wants to vent, I listen but I don’t engage (this is a really hard one by the way- and one I slip up on quite a bit).

And honestly, it’s been great for me. I know now that I can take care of myself, regardless of how tough the situation is. As I’ve taken more and more ambitious swings, life has gotten progressively harder over my entire adult life, but…I’m still standing. That means something to me.

I wish for everyone reading this, to know that meaning too.