My favorite quote is “The only easy day was yesterday”. It’s something Navy Seals say to each other.
This year felt like a twisted, mental version of ‘hell week’ that those guys undergo in their training. No sleep, little food and constant training for a week straight.
So, in 2023, I needed to remind myself of this quote everyday, and then some.
Now that I’m on the other side, allow me to offer some learnings – both professional and personal from what was hands down, the toughest year of my life so far (I’m 28 at the time of writing this). This post is as much supposed to be a resource for you as it will be a reminder for me next year, and the years to follow.
Here goes:
#1 Nothing happens to you that you cannot bear.
I loved reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius this year. It’s such a slow read- I read just 2-3 pages every other day, slowly savoring each sentence and reflecting on it. It makes me think a lot. I highlight a lot of passages from it too.
One of the most helpful parts I highlighted was this one though- where he talks about how we’re all part of a larger universe- and that nothing happens to you that isn’t in your nature to bear. J
Just like firewood being chopped, a tree dying, a flower blooming, or a person dying- all of us keep recombining into the elements and emerging from it again. So why fret over your perceived troubles- it is ordained by the universe and you can get through it.
#2 What matters is the meaning you derive from events.
This was my big takeaway from reading Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl- a guy who survived Nazi concentration camps, lost his family and still lived a full life afterwards.
You may have gone through a lot of adversity- you can still decide to not let that choose who you are going to be today. I like the concept because this is something I’ve always believed, starting from the age of 15 when I refused to let my upbringing as a socially awkward, quiet guy stop me from making friends.
13 years later- I work in sales- a job one cannot excel at without having a higher than average set of social skills, EQ and business competence.
Read more on that here
#3 Suffering Is a Jewel.
My favorite thing that I’ve heard in a talk from J.Krishnamurti recently is that suffering is a jewel. Don’t shy away from it.
This year, I’ve found myself single for the first time in my adult life, in a new country and had to work very hard to find the job I wanted. This experience surfaced a lot of questions around how I perceive the world, interact with people and value myself.
It was suffering like I hadn’t experienced before. The best thing I did, in retrospect was I didn’t distract myself- because I’d seen enough examples of that not working out. This year, I’ve learnt to stay in my own company even more, rely on myself to regulate my emotions than a friend or partner and not be afraid of the suffering. I realised that it was in a way the most beautiful thing one could go through because I now see life so much more intensely, vividly. There’s a new spectrum of color in the lens with which I see things now.
That’s what Krishnamurti says at the end of his speech- where he says sit with suffering long enough and it converts to passion. That’s been consistent with my personal experience.
A practical way to do this that helped me was to do more of life in my own company. That’s an important rephrase. I am not doing things alone. I am doing them in my own company.
Whenever I think of myself, I try to think of ‘8 year old me’ standing beside me. It’s my responsibility to show that boy a good time- make sure he’s fed, watered, mentally stimulated and entertained- all the facets of life basically.
So I started going out to restaurants, new spots in London alone. At first, I was bored out of my mind. After the first few tries, I slowly started enjoying my solo dates. Now, I relish the opportunity to plan more exciting stuff for myself to try out.
#4 Your value is at the level of your being.
I ran a startup back in India. I thought I was a hot shot. Then the market reality hit and rejection after rejection in the UK affected me. A lot.
After months of anxiety- I went through a realisation in October 2023- that all i could do was focus on my own growth, i.e: focus on things I can do. On a long enough horizon, if that’s all I think of- success would be a by-product that happens organically.
That- and de-linking my identity from what I do, what my accomplishments are- was very important. I saw myself as startup guy/ sales guy and prided myself for things I’d done in my career so far. Now- I’m beginning to hold those accomplishments looser to my chest and value who I am as a person instead.
That’s also made me so much kinder to everybody else. I’ve started intentionally focusing on having horizontal relationships with everyone than vertical (see pt 7 in this post).
Once I started internalising these, funnily enough- that’s when I finally got the job I wanted.
#6 Have an internal locus of control
Everytime I get anxious, I ask where my locus of control is. It’s always external. Then, I, ask- what action do I need to do and focus on in order to shift it internally- and that’s what brings peace, more often than not.
#7 Strive to be present
Meditation has grounded my day to day. I am so much more aware of my thoughts, feelings and how they affect me in different situations that I’m able to step out of the moment much better, take a breath and then react – rather than respond emotionally.
Basically, I am so much more aware of the present moment- and also tend to not associate with my thoughts as much. I understand now that the brain thinks in certain ways because you let it and being able to disassociate with the thoughts, question them and challenge them is a big part of self-growth.
All these insights – just from meditation and reading of others’ experiences with meditation, then experiencing a modicum of that myself.
Cannot recommend it highly enough.
#8 Attract > Chase
Something I’ve started to believe in more this year- and I want to truly internalise in 2024:
The best work and personal opportunities come by because you’re an irresistible force of good, and people want you in their life. That’s it. So don’t chase, attract. This ties in to the internal locus of control point I made above.
Playing it cool works only when it comes from a place of security, which is what I’m suggesting here.
Of course, this is hardest to do when you really want that job or that person you’ve been on 3 dates with to like you- but treat each such instance as an opportunity to make yourself just a little bit less chase focused, i.e: attached to an outcome.
Trust me- regardless of whether you get that job, or that person on a 4th date- you’ll be good.
#9 There’s infinite positivity in you.
I spent many months in self-pity because I felt I gave so much time, energy, love to my last relationship without getting proportionate results back.
Until one day when walking back home carrying a load of groceries, I thought- does the sun ever shy away from sharing it’s light?
No- because it’s infinite. So why shouldn’t I treat the good I want to bring to the world as an infinite resource? The only reason I feel bogged down is because I want something back.
Does the sun ever ask for anything in return for all the energy it gives?
No. So why should I?
At a macro level- that’s the way I view my relationships with people now. If I want to, I will invest in you and leave it at that.
This is hard to do when you realise you sub-consciously had expectations with someone to reciprocate and they don’t- but those are exactly the opportunities you need in life to internalise this POV.
Again- something I wish to work upon in 2024. I am still a work in progress on this.
#10 Changing your physical state regulates your mental state.
Learning about how the brain and nervous system work in conjunction with attachment theory, that I outlined in this article (see pt. 6)- helped me figure out how to regulate my emotions by myself and be more self-reliant.
As a rule of thumb, what works for me whenever I feel anxious:
Go for a workout or a walk to calm down. Then come back and meditate and/or journal. From a calmer perspective, when I examine the cause of anxiety- a solution emerges.
#11 The art of conversation is not being in a hurry.
Don’t be in a hurry to start and end that meeting in the most productive manner. Instead, chit chat with the person about their weekend. Be genuinely curious. Next time, remember to ask them about some detail you learned last.
Be involved and have an interesting frame to bring to the conversation (this comes with practise). Master these and you’ll be a significantly better conversationalist by the end of 2024. These are things that have genuinely been key learnings for me since I started podcasting last year.
Conclusion
That’s all for 2023, folks. Did any of the above lessons resonate with you or any you’d like to share? I’ll be so glad to know- and have a great 2024.