Your emotions don't really matter. They are a tool- to help you get where you want. 'The Game of Life' is won by those that live by core truths.
If this intrigued you, read on. I think you’ll find this worth your while.
See, this article has been in the works for over 3 years now.
Around March 2020, when the world was shutting down, I used all the extra free time I got to start thinking about life. A lot. In fact, I’d even spend days thinking about the way I think and how to improve that.
Things like:
- How does the brain work?
- What are the neurological processes behind our feelings such as depression, love, anxiety, grief, pleasure?
- What are the various mental models that apply in different life situations?
- What are the core drivers and motivations for every human being, every life situation?
Essentially, I’ve been trying to distill ‘The Game of Life’ into a few core truths or first principles.
The belief system I’ve developed after all this, is that we all win and lose in ‘The Game of Life’- but few people manage to win more than others.
They are those that understand the core truths that apply in each situation.
A simple example from my childhood:
One day, as a 5 year old, I was sitting on the kitchen counter while my mom cooked food. Unthinkingly, I placed my hand on the hot stove. Needless to say, I cried all evening, and my hand was burnt for the better part of the week.
However, I never made that mistake again in life.
As we grow up, we collect more and more patterns or truths that help navigate life. However, as ‘The Game of Life’ unfolds, newer, more complex situations start cropping up- where there may not be a clear answer.
They might be in your work life- things like:
- When should I start a business?
- Who should I pick as a co-founder?
- How do I decide the right career path for me?
Or in your personal life- stuff like:
- How do I know the person I’m with is the one I should marry?
- Why do I end up dating the same kind of toxic person?
- Why do I feel lonely and out of touch with myself?
While the answer to my childhood circumstance- “should I place my hand on the stove?” was a clear NO, with regards to the other questions, there is no clear answer.
In those situations, the answer would depend on certain principles or truths that apply.
The thing is, thinking about them demands a lot of cognitive effort. This is effort that many are not willing to make, even though the result eventually will be more clarity of thought.
This is not an article that will delve into why we think and feel, the way we think and feel. I just want to make the simple point here that the way you feel doesn’t really matter in the outcome of ‘The Game of Life’. What matters is – are you applying the right core truths to the situation you’re in.
Let me explain with an example of two couples.
The first couple – they met when they were young, first big love of each others’ lives, and stayed together for a long time. Over time, they realised they were very different people, wanted different things and had different priorities with no intention of meeting the other person- but kept powering ahead because of love.
We all know a couple like this/similar to this. So many people choose wrong partners for themselves, and stay in relationships past the expiry date. They may feel they’re in love, but because they didn’t use the right principles/truths to evaluate their situation correctly- they ended up in something that ultimately was bad for them, and statistically will end in the couple splitting up.
Here, despite overwhelmingly positive emotions of love for one another, not applying core truths led to a ‘loss’.
Compare this with two people who know the kind of person they want as a partner, are both secure and self aware, willing to communicate openly and realise when they meet someone with whom they are compatible AND have chemistry. Whenever these two meet, they may or may not have a storybook romance, but they definitely have a higher likelihood of having a successful relationship.
Here- the probability of a successful relationship is much higher.
I hope I’m not being misunderstood, here, so let me say this again:
I’m not saying emotions are useless. I’m saying they are a tool to be harnessed. They are the fuel that drives our engine. But we must point the vehicle in the right direction- that’s where these ‘truths’ come in.
People tend to give too much importance in decision making to emotions and too little to logic- which is where things start going wrong.
To fully get what I’m saying and why, it helps to understand our brain structure.
A Short Explanation On How We Think
Our feelings and emotions are driven by our reptilian (primal) brain. That is the part where ‘pain’ or ‘pleasure’ originates from.
Imagine it this way- the primal part of your brain is driving your emotions and feelings- and those are based on your evolutionary instincts, i.e: they are hard coded in your brain to make you survive the longest.
The rational part of the brain only came about very recently- which is perhaps why we struggle to be rational, and suffer from cognitive biases. The part of our brain that drives emotions has developed for a WAY longer time than the part of our brain that drives logic.
Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that your feelings are by-products of thousands of years of evolutionary instinct, whereas logic and rationale is something relatively new.
A Thought Experiment
Simply look at the list of these life events:
- Birth
- Growing up
- First love
- First heartbreak
- Building a successful career
- Finding your ‘One’ and marrying them
- Divorce
- Getting fired
- Your parent/child/spouse/sibling dies
- You die
All of us will go through most of these things, if not all, at some point or the other. That is certain.
All of us will have feelings about these events.
Some will be very outwardly happy to marry their person, others will express their happiness in less gregarious ways.
Some will suffer for years from the death of a loved one. Others will also suffer, but will also find ways to move on and be happy quicker.
The point is- everyone will feel pretty much the same set of feelings for different life events. We can’t do much about that- the only thing there is to manage our mental health and ensure we’re processing things in a healthy way.
However, the other question we can also ask :
Can We Optimise For ‘Wins’ In The Game of Life?
Short answer- Yes! You can!
Here’s what I think:
The way to maximise your chances of winning is to try and figure out the core truths for those situations, and apply them. That should be your #1 objective.
For instance:
You could launch an e-commerce store for children’s clothing today and it’d be a success/failure depending on core truths such as- how good are you at sales and building demand? how good is the product? how attractive are the designs? how quickly do you fulfil orders? how do you ward off copycats?…and many other questions like these.
OR
Your marriage could be heaven or end in divorce- or somewhere in between. The difference is- how devoted are you and your partner to each other, whether you have chemistry AND compatibility, and whether you are willing to work on yourselves and suffer through some tough times TOGETHER.
In both situations, certain ‘truths’ or ‘first principles’ determine the outcome, and not your feelings about the situation.
Feelings help motivate you. That’s it.
You Can Even Manage Your Emotions With ‘Truths’
A simple predictor for increasing your chances of winning the ‘Game of Life’ is how well you understand the ruling principles of the situations you’re in and how well you apply those principles.
Notice how I don’t say feelings anywhere. That’s because if you truly understand the above statements- you’ll find a way to (positively) manage your emotions to achieve your aims!
If you’re lazy, but want to change, what you might do is- you’ll spend time understanding yourself, how people in your situation overcame laziness, try out a few things, and find out what helps you best overcome your laziness.
You’ll dig deep till you realise what principles/truths are you neglecting for that situation, face them head on, and find a way out of your situation.
That’s winning!
A person who, at the slightest discomfort, goes into a downward spiral and a person who, despite being knocked down multiple times, still gets up and fights their way out are both harnessing their emotions.
The difference is- the former does it negatively while the latter does so in a constructive manner.
To allow the negative feedback loop to form in your brain is the easiest. It’s the default, in many ways. And again- we have evolution to blame for this (we wouldn’t have survived the wilderness otherwise!)
However, to train the brain to build a positive feedback loop in the face of adversity is the hard part. That takes cognitive effort which many people aren’t willing to do.
For those of you that are willing to put in the effort however, I have good news:
This can be learnt with practise. ANYONE can learn to harness their emotions constructively, with time, patience and deliberate practise.
Conclusion (And a Bonus Segment)
Collect enough ‘truths’ and you can face most situations.
Over time, you start getting a sense of which situations are going to be tricky to handle- so you start collecting ‘truths’ for those well before an adverse event occurs.
And even when ‘failures’ occur in life, you understand one core thing. That the failure occurred because of your lack of understanding of the ‘truths’ which determined the outcome of the situation.
You know that the ‘pain’ of the failure is temporary- and is meant to bring you to realise the ‘truth’ you missed out on.
Which makes you even more capable to deal with the next challenge.
Phew….that was a long one.
That’s pretty much the end of this article- however, I also wrote a bonus segment on some of my ‘truths’ that I’ve collected for work life and relationships.
Here goes:
Some First Principles/Truths For Your Work Life:
1. Go ‘within’ to win outside. The more you go ‘within’ yourself, the easier it becomes to play the game of life. Meditating, journaling, taking daily walks without a phone to self-reflect are all ways I seek to understand myself, how my mind works and what motivates me. This really helped me gain clarity in my career choices as a 22 year old. As I turn 28 next month, keeping up with this practice still helps me massively.
2. Work expands to fill the time we allott to it. I used to work 12 hour days, until I put pressure on myself to create systems. Then I worked 8 hour days. Now, even lesser. My attitude these days is: how can I automate or delegate low energy tasks, and only do stuff that gives me energy? That’s a good guiding principle if you want to improve your productivity.
3. The more pressure and intensity you can sustain- the stronger you become. Whether in the gym, or at work or for handling stressful life situations- this holds true everywhere. I spent 4 years with a boss who was hard as nails, made me feel crap everyday. It truly was a mental commando course, but at the end of it- I am so much better for the experience I shared with him.
4. The mind gives up way faster than it ought to. If you think you’ve reached your glass ceiling- you’re still a ways off from reaching the actual limit. David Goggins (Navy SEAL, ultramarathon runner) talks about this a lot in his book ‘Can’t Hurt Me’- highly recommend reading or even better- listening to the audiobook version. I got chills multiple times.
5. The purpose of everything we do is to self-actualise to a higher plane, i.e: become better versions of ourselves. That’s why I decided as a 22 year old that my calling in life would be entrepreneurship- if your startup isn’t constantly improving everyday, it’s dying out- which is a perfect analog of the evolutionary process.
Some First Principles/Truths in Relationships:
1. Just love isn’t enough. You need compatibility, chemistry and commitment with your partner. If chemistry and commitment are the fuel in the boat carrying you and your partner, the engine is compatibility- you don’t go far without either. Imagine rowing a boat by hand versus with an engine- that’s the difference compatibility can make.
2. Any good relationship is founded on honesty, trust, constant communication and a deep respect for each other. Continuing the boat analogy- honesty and respect represent the solidity of the boat- is it made of flimsy wood or solid metal? Communication allows the both of you to navigate the sea of life together- calling out ‘ICEBERG!!’ so that the other can steer the boat the right way.
3. While relationships are essentially teamwork- that doesn’t mean it’s always 50-50. Some days, you carry your partner, while other days, your partner carries you. An interesting thing to think about is: does one of you mostly do the heavy lifting in one/some/most areas of your relationship? If yes- that might be something to talk about.
4. The aim of a deep, steady relationship is to ‘see’ each other like no one else has. Completely. As the other person is, and as they evolve over time. To have the privilege of touching the emotional core of another person and being attuned to it, is the highest honor someone can bestow upon you. This requires a lot of self-awareness, empathy, communication and hard work.
5. If your life sucks while you’re single, it won’t be much better in a couple. You need to embody the traits of your desired partner, first- in order to be worthy of such a relationship. You need to be self aware enough to understand yourself completely, and have enough relationship skill to understand the other person well. Otherwise, you’re both wasting each other’s time.
6. You need to be deeply okay, regardless of the outcome. Attachment to the outcome in any sphere of life is a vulnerability- that’s basically what the Bhagavad Gita says. So why wouldn’t it apply to relationships? Turn your fear of “will I ever find someone?” to “I’ll be okay whether or not I find someone”. The flip side of this is- you can’t attract someone from a place of fear. It has to come from a place of love, and confidence.