The Relationship Agreement: 8 Relationship Rules I Wrote For Myself At 26

Around the time I turned 26, my then girlfriend and I were going through a bit of a rough patch. We’d been together 7 years at that point, and I felt like I, as a man needed to up my mental game when it came to our relationship.

You see, I’ve always been ambitious- and believe in taking big swings in life.

In 2018, I left a promising career in consulting to grind at a startup for the next 4 years. 3 years in, around the time of my 26th birthday, I realised that I’d learnt a lot but also needed to now think about what I’d like to do next.

Start a company?

Do an MBA?

Get another job?

I needed emotional clarity. Otherwise I would make bad decisions- not just for myself, but for the both of us, as a unit.

So, after a couple discussions with her based off of the arguments we’d been having and a LOT of introspection, I sat down one night and wrote down a document for myself in a single sitting.

I called the document- “The Relationship Agreement”, much like the “Roomate Agreement” Sheldon Cooper draws up in the “Big Bang Theory”.

I referred to it over the next couple years off and on. This document helped me SO much to maintain my emotional centre through difficult times. This is what I hope to share with you in this article, and hopefully it aids you be a better partner too.

Anyway here’s the outline of the document (I have copied everything verbatim):

Aim: Spend the rest of our lives together. In love.

8 Relationship Rules For Achieving Above Stated Aim:

1. Be in love with each other everyday
2. Raise good children
3. Be 100% honest with each other
4. Help each other grow always
5. Trust each other completely
6. Do not bring insecurities, ego, jealousy or any negativity into the family
7. Respect and support each other always
8. Have a mechanism to ‘get in sync’

Let’s explore each of these one by one- I’m going to simply list the heading followed by bullet points I wrote in my document underneath it:

Relationship Rule #1 : Be in love with each other everyday

Here’s what I wrote down as an elaboration of this subheading:

1. Never go to bed without resolving an argument
2. Both of us should know that the other person is more important than satisfying own ego.
3. Love only fades if you don’t use it. Exercise your love in your OWN way every single day.

Relationship Rule #2 : Raise good children

This is for when we decide to marry and start planning a family:

1. Decide the values for your future kids TODAY
2. Decide a way to instill those values in them
3. Decide your roles based on each person’s strengths and weaknesses (and be flexible with these over time).
4. Never contradict each other around the kids. Mom-Dad are always one unit.
5. To self: Your spouse and children are your #1 priority in life. Everything else comes after them.

Relationship Rule #3 : Be 100% honest with each other

1. Always tell your partner the truth
2. No lies of omission either
3. 100% honesty requires strength of character. For the one saying and the one listening too. Build it.
4. Never use the information proffered by your partner under this rule as ammunition for future fights, snide remarks.

Relationship Rule #4 : Help each other grow always

1. Stagnant life, personalities, routines simply mean you lacked the courage to live.
2. Push each other to be better people, better professionals, better parents….
3. You are NOT allowed to take any criticism negatively or be defensive.

Relationship Rule #5 : Trust each other completely

1. Trust isn’t earned. It’s given
2. Breaking your partner’s trust, even once, is one time too many.
3. Given how freely and without restrictions this trust is given, it’s a huge responsibility for the one who has to uphold it. Be worthy of the burden.
4. If rules 1-3 cannot be followed, better not to have a relationship at all.

Relationship Rule #6 : Do not bring insecurities, ego, jealousy or any negativity into the family

1. Your own flaws cannot be allowed to hold back a relationship. Uncover them. Deal with them. Either by yourself or together.
2. Be humble enough to admit when wrong.
3. Be self reflective enough to know what’s wrong OR trust your partner’s judgement if they are more astute.
4. Be dedicated enough to work on solving these issues together.

Relationship Rule #7 : Respect and support each other always

1. Never disrespect your partner- either actively or passively (say- putting them in situations where they may be disrespected)
2. Support them always. Sometimes it means physical involvement, other times, emotional, intellectual and yet in some cases- it means being un-involved.
3. You are a TEAM. There are no individuals here.

Relationship Rule #8 : Have a mechanism to ‘get in sync’

1. First and foremost- realise the importance of getting in sync with each other by communicating well. Learn how to communicate well with each other and speak each others’ language.
2. A dispute resolution mechanism is most important. Decide one that works for you both.

Conclusion

I drew this list up around July 2021. It’s August 2023 as of the time of this writing and I still can’t think of anything I’d like to omit from this list.

Mind you- this isn’t going to bullet proof your relationship, in any which way. While my girlfriend and I eventually separated, that’s not because of the rules- rather, I fell short in their implementation.

In the years that followed after I wrote this, I never even mentioned it to her that I even drew up such a document- until, funnily enough, it came up on a call we had after we separated.

Perhaps I should have shared this with her, and things might have been different- but really there’s no way to prove that, and going down that rabbit hole won’t be useful at all.

That is to say, if you like this post, it MAY be a good idea to share this with your partner and talk it over with them (wink wink).

Decide your own “Relationship Agreement”!