I recently read The Courage to Be Disliked. Such a great read- it digs into a school of psychology called ‘Adlerian’ proposed by Alfred Adler- he was a contemporary of Freud, but had a very different view of things than him.
I wanted to share a concise summary of my notes – let me know if this piques your interest and happy to provide more explanation to any of the points:
1. (This blew my mind) You decide your ‘lifestyle’
By lifestyle, the author means that you decide your personality and way of being basis your own ‘goals’.
Eg: While having demanding parents may have caused you to be a submissive adult, continuing with that persona is based on subconscious ‘goals’ you set yourself (perhaps wanting to seek a reaction from those very parents).
Note: Realising that I have probably built so many such ‘goals’ and analysing my past basis that was … well mind bending.
2. Changing your ‘lifestyle’ is on you
Moulding yourself in a different manner is very much in your hands. How? By giving the right meaning to things that have happened and will happen in life.
3. Find A Way To Give Useful Meanings To Events
The way to change your ‘lifestyle’ for the better is by realising: What has happened is irrelevant. The meaning you give it is everything.
This is pretty much what Viktor Frankl (another psychologist who survived Nazi concentration camps) said in his book ‘Man’s Search For Meaning’. I also wrote a short post on finding meaning that you might find useful too.
This line of thinking goes back 2 millenia to the Stoics as well. Marcus Aurelius in his book ‘Meditations’ says multiple times “nothing happens to you that you’re not able to bear”.
Recently, I heard Shaan Puri from my favorite podcast ‘My First Million’ say much the same- he said something along the lines of “I think the human brain is a giant labelling machine. What labels we give to events determines how we live our life”
A meta realisation for me was that truths have always been around, we just keep re-discovering them.
4.The Importance of Courage
Intellectually understanding pt. 3 is one thing. In order to emotionally understand it, one needs courage.
The courage to be happy, and the courage to be disliked.
5. All your problems are interpersonal relationship problems
This point is explored more in The Courage To Be Happy- will write a summary on that soon- but essentially:
Freedom is being okay with being disliked by others if you’re being your true self without pandering.
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6. Separation of tasks.
You take a job you like but your parents are vehemently opposed to it.
Your task is to live according to your ruling principles. It is NOT to appease your parents. How your parents feel is their task.
Apply this separation in all life situations to essentially focus on what you can control and what you cannot.
How to know whose task is it anyway? Think- who will bear the result of this task? They are the owner, and you shouldn’t interfere with their task. You can only assist them if they need it (more on this in the next point)
7. Vertical and Horizontal Relationships
*This one is such an important point*
Interpersonal problems happen because we view our relationships as vertical and not horizontal. If we were to view everyone else as equal (not to be confused as everyone is the same) the issues go away- such as need for validation, or passing judgement.
You don’t feel the need to interfere in others’ lifestyle choices, to either give praise or rebuke.
Rather you offer ‘encouragement’- you offer assistance when you see someone needs it without doing their task for them.
Eg: A parent making a child study implies a vertical relationship. Rather a parent creating the right conditions such that the child wants to study, and offering assistance when needed would be the best way for the child to become self-reliant and develop a sense of self-worth.
If you start to view relationships as horizontal, separate your tasks and do not seek to interfere with others’ tasks or seek validation for your tasks, that takes you on the path to solving interpersonal relationship problems.
Horizontal relationships imply a mutual respect and concern for each other- that we all tend to let go of from time to time, even for loved ones.
8. The aim of good relationships is Community Feeling
Community feeling means the feeling that I contributed to someone’s life.
Assessing the contribution is our task (the recipient may assess it differently)- all that matters is – did I impact someone’s life positively?
If yes, do it and do not seek validation.
9. Kinetic vs Energetic Outlook on Life.
Kinetic- I want to get from pt A to B, and I spend my life yearning for B, which is when I’ve ‘made it’.
Energetic-I know I’d like to end up somewhere around B, but I’m focused on the journey, not the destination.
So, main takeaway? Live in the present moment.
Personally for me, a daily meditation practise has helped me do this and train my brain to become conscious of when I’m obsessing too much about the past or the future.
10. Do you view others as comrades or enemies?
If today you were to decide that your default setting towards every person you meet is that of trust and respect- you’d be taking a step forward towards community feeling.
And yes- you will get cheated. Not every person will be good. But that is their task. Your task is to be good.
“Begin each day by telling yourself: Today I shall be meeting with interference, ingratitude, insolence, disloyalty, ill-will, and selfishness – all of them due to the offenders’ ignorance of what is good or evil. But for my part I have long perceived the nature of good and its nobility, the nature of evil and its meanness, and also the nature of the culprit himself, who is my brother (not in the physical sense, but as a fellow creature similarly endowed with reason and a share of the divine); therefore none of those things can injure me, for nobody can implicate me in what is degrading. Neither can I be angry with my brother or fall foul of him; for he and I were born to work together, like a man’s two hands, feet or eyelids, or the upper and lower rows of his teeth. To obstruct each other is against Nature’s law – and what is irritation or aversion but a form of obstruction.”
Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
11. The courage to be disliked lies in the delicate balance of:
1. Self acceptance (different from self esteem)
2. Not seeking validation of others or being outraged (separation of tasks, and building horizontal relationships helps)
3. Working towards building community feeling (view others as comrades)
4. Living in the moment (energetic outlook on life)
All 4 feed into each other.
Note: The more I think about it, most, if not all ‘grown up’ problems are due to lack of courage. Acting out of fear or pain avoidance is a big part of our evolutionary drive. Recognising this and acting in accordance is the way out, no matter how hard.