If you’re reading this- let’s get something clear:
I am not your friend. I’ll tell you why.
See, most friends will validate your BS.
You screwed up? “Everything will be just fine”
Someone didn’t give you validation? “F that person”
You want to complain about life treating you poorly? “I got you- come on in and let’s bitch about stuff together”
Sound familiar?
Those friends do have utility in your life- they’ll make you feel good about yourself.
They won’t, however, help you analyse what went wrong and move forward.
That’s where I come in.
When you’re done complaining about life, allow me to welcome you to:
The Anti-Pity Party
The anti-pity party framework is something I’ve developed over the last 10 years as a way to navigate the ups and downs of life.
Most notably, it has helped me deal with:
- Loss of a loved one.
- Strained family ties.
- Being severely unhappy at my first job.
- Separating from my girlfriend after close to a decade together.
Here’s how this works:
Anytime I feel sorry for myself, I ask myself these 4 questions:
Q1- Do I have enough food on my plate?.
“Roger that”
Q2- Do I have a roof over my head?
“Roger that”
Q3- Do I have clothes on my back?
“Roger that”
Q4- Do I have good health?
“Roger that”
If the answer to all of these questions is “Roger that” (which it always has been), my mind instantly feels compelled to drop whatever it was obsessing about, and move on.
I call these questions perspective setters. They are SO important to have in the back pocket at all times, because humans tend to lose perspective when things don’t go our way.
It’s like the brain is wired to go into that line of thinking- the self doubt, anxious, “woe-is-me” pattern of thoughts.
That is the path of least resistance – to move towards self-pity.
The path of maximum resistance is to short circuit that feedback loop and set perspective. Goes without saying that this has the most benefit for your mental health.
Perspective is one of the most wonderful things to have, or gift a friend who may not have it yet.
Gratitude is A Verb
I also do another exercise from time to time that is an extension of the ‘Anti-Pity Party Framework’.
It’s very simple. You just need to go for a walk.
But don’t be on your phone the entire time or with your airpods plugged in.
In fact- I recommend leaving your phone at home for this. Just observe the people on the street when you’re out.
Regardless of which part of the world you live in, it’s not hard to find someone less fortunate than you.
I couldn’t walk 2 mins without seeing someone like this in India. I moved to London 9 months ago, and even here, I see too many poor souls on the street, out in the cold and rain, looking for some shelter, a hot meal and a few warm clothes.
All things that you probably don’t even think of.
The point that I’m trying to make with all these thought exercises is simple:
Gratitude is a verb. School taught us that it’s a noun. That is incorrect.
It’s a verb.
Practise it everyday, and you’ll have a much better life.
Don’t- and live like 99% people do- in internal turmoil and agony the entire time with no recourse.
I’m sure you’ll choose well.