I was a pretty chill dude when I was 5.
Good to people who were good to me, and stayed away from people who I didn’t take a shine to.
I was a pretty fun loner too. Didn’t spend any time thinking about what others thought of me- in fact I hardly sought out any company.
Age 16 was the first time I realised that I needed to perhaps think a little about what others thought of me. That realisation was spurred by the fact that all my friends were invited to a classmate’s birthday party and I wasn’t.
Instagram wasn’t a thing back then, but everyone was on Facebook and I remember seeing photographs from that party over the next couple weeks, which allowed me no respite.
With this, ended the first season of my life.
The next couple years were spent moulding myself to be much more socially savvy than my natural tendencies had allowed me to be so far. I started to think a lot more about what others thought about me – moving away from my previously oblivious state.
Naturally, it was a matter of pride when someone remarked years later “You’re such an extroverted person- always well liked by everyone”
It was a 360 degree turnaround from me at age 16. I was pleased with that. I was also pleased because I felt like I had pulled off a long term heist. I consider myself a high functioning introvert, but somehow had managed to convince the world that I was actually pretty outgoing and social.
With this, ended the second season of my life.
COVID hit in 2020, and I was living by myself for the first time. I spent 85 days alone in lockdown – was pretty scared at the start and then I realised that I loved it.
That 85 day experiment turned into me living by myself in a studio apartment for the next 2 years.
Having learnt the ways of being social in the world, I rediscovered how to enjoy my own company – now as an adult.
It was 100x more tough. There were so many distractions. It was so hard to keep still instead of looking for company or a new series to watch on netflix.
Slowly I got used to it. Things became even tougher when I moved to London last year.
Here, I didn’t have an ecosystem of friends and family I’d built in Delhi. I had to navigate (and still am navigating) a tough job market, loss of a long-term relationship and just… life.
It took me to new levels of mind-bending and steeling my resolve but the biggest takeaway was that ‘little me’ had it right all along.
With this, ended the third season of my life, although with a new realisation:
Being my own best friend was truly the unlock.
What Does Being Your Own Best Friend Mean?
Over the years, as I grew up, I complicated things for myself needlessly. I started to:
- Look for attention externally
- Cared too much about validation from friends, family and romantic partners
- Was afraid to set boundaries
All this meant I pandered to others- but abandoned ‘little me’. Very slowly, as I grew up, I was letting down the younger me.
After years of doing so, I realised finally that the only person to truly know you 100%, that will always have your back, is not your best friend or your partner- it’s you.
And if you’re not your own best friend- no one else really can even attempt to come close to you in a healthy manner.
Here’s what that meant for me:
When I was 18, I decided a set of principles for myself that I wanted to abide by. Rules such as always be honest and truthful with the people you care about, be a man of integrity,… the list went on with 7-8 principles.
That list changed the course of my life and made me the man I am today.
More recently, I decided some rules for the kind of people I want to be friends or in relationships with. Also rules for myself keeping in mind some of my flaws.
Things such as – what values do I have and what values matter to me in people I spend time with? What are some of my boundaries and what are some things I am willing to be flexible on?
Once I started doing that, I started to make really hard decisions.
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This meant thinking about how someone’s company makes me feel rather than being unecessarily swayed by how I feel about them. There’s a huge difference there.
It meant being approached by couple really beautiful women in the last few months and not taking it forward because of being un-aligned in the aspects I highlighted above.
Me at age 18 would think of me at age 28 with a mixture of awe and also wonder- is this guy an idiot or a genius? Isn’t hanging out with really pretty women every single man’s dream?
Turns out, when you start on this path of becoming your own best friend and start putting yourself first- the answer is – not really.
By the way- that photograph you see at the top of this post? That’s my phone screensaver.
It’s a reminder for me that everything I do- I do it to make that little boy proud. That’s my metric to optimise for.
And truly, life has never been simpler once I started thinking this way.